The vanilla world could learn a thing or two about communication from their kinky counterparts. When I get bored, I go to another website, one where men pursue darker delights: deep throating, spanking, bondage. Dating photos on submissive site are mostly tight shots of ripped abs and cocks, grainy silhouettes of broad shoulders and blurry faces. I toggle back and forth between sites, sometimes placing both browser windows right next to each other, picking and choosing the best traits from both sides and building the perfect imaginary partner, dating one pity, dating events manchester think loves dogs and runs races and protects babies and every so often asks me to serve him tacos, on my knees.
I scroll and I wonder … I wonder how many of these men are on both sites, like me. After my last relationship with a dominant ended, I decided to diversify the search for a partner. My kinks never negated my broader interests: theater, books, travel, humanitarian dating, meditation — all these things coexist within me.
I thought it would be easy to revisit vanilla online dating. Turns out I was wrong. Why do I feel this way? Why the frustration? The problem, oddly, is that I felt far more freedom and empowerment dating searching for a partner as a dating in the kink world than I do as a woman in the vanilla world.
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Probably because the process of vetting a dating partner is anything but passive. First, for me, submission requires communication and consent. Before I meet a dominant in person, I vet his communication style. If he comes off pushy, or tries to assert dominance too soon, the communication will cease. If all that goes smoothly, we set up a meeting in a public place to meet face-to-face.
Second, I ask for what I want.
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Exactly what I want. If the first initial dates go well, we move on to negotiation. This involves sitting down with a potential partner to explore what we want from one another; long term, short term, five minutes, an hour, sex, no sex, companionship, friends with benefits. We talk openly about STD testing and establish safe words. Third, we take care of each other after sex.
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Before the clothes come off we talk about aftercare, what each submissive wants or needs after sex. Do you want to be held, have your hair stroked, submissive you need verbal communication, do you need silence. I had a partner who liked to watch Archer and eat ice cream with me after sex bless his dom heart. Submissive you need a check-in phone call a day or two after, then you ask for it.
Yeah, that. Look, things still go wrong, even with all the communicating and planning. So, what now? Perhaps there will be a hybrid site created that will enable the merging of all our selves: the naughty, the nice, and everything in-between.
Can we can get to it? I promise to go for tacos after. A version of this interview first appeared in the February issue submissive W42ST magazine. Stay in touch submissive W42ST and be first to read stories like this when you subscribe to our daily newsletter at w42st.
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